In the winters of the ’70s and ’80s, my Saturday nights in Guelph, Ont., have been spent dreading church the following morning, watching the Maple Leafs lose — but once more — on Hockey Night in Canada, and listening to my father swear because the Maple Leafs misplaced — but once more — on Hockey Night in Canada.
I’m kidding. Dad did not watch the Leafs; he’d do one thing extra fascinating like stare on the furnace or cube carrots. But I dutifully sat in entrance of that flickering black and white TV, consuming animal crackers in my onesie (which was a bit bizarre by the point I graduated highschool), and watched because the delight of Toronto received pounded. Every time, I puzzled (a) what have been the probabilities that an earthquake or a hurricane or locusts would cancel church? and (b) will the Leafs ever win one other Stanley Cup?
The Leafs have been dangerous. Reliably, relentlessly and ridiculously dangerous — worse than my Aunt Bea’s soda biscuits (are anyone’s soda biscuits good?). And they have been dangerous as a result of their proprietor, a felonious blowhard named Harold Ballard, cared extra about making a buck than making the playoffs.
Born in Toronto in 1903, Ballard got here from cash, however he all the time needed extra.
After fostering a friendship with Stafford Smythe — son of longtime Leafs proprietor Conn Smythe — and sitting on the Leafs board alongside him, Ballard methodically eliminated, purchased out or shoved apart each roadblock till he assumed full management of the workforce in 1972.
Thus started the Ballard curse, a two-decade cavalcade of greed and incompetence that gutted the once-proud group.
Ballard fired coach after coach after don’t-bother-to-unpack coach, and traded away the perfect gamers. When Leafs legend and Hall of Famer Darryl Sittler was shipped to Philadelphia in alternate for a few forgettable Flyers, it was like swapping a Rolls-Royce for a Toyota (if the Toyota by no means back-checked and had persistent groin accidents). And these are simply a few of his dumb strikes.
Under Ballard’s administration, the Maple Leafs have been backside of the barrel | Offside: The Harold Ballard Story
Toronto hockey followers misplaced a whole lot of religion within the Leafs of the 70s and 80s. Even the gamers themselves felt the frustration relentless losses.
Consequently, when “Pal Hal” (Ballard) handed away in 1990, optimists stated the curse was kaput and the Leafs may now win a Cup for the primary time since 1967.
But a humorous factor occurred whereas everyone was planning the Stanley Cup parade and portray their butt cheeks blue and white: the Leafs did not win all of it. Since the day Ballard went to the massive penalty field within the sky, the Leafs have been higher — lots higher (final season, solely three groups had extra common season factors than Toronto), however the curse nonetheless seems to be in impact. Unless, after all, you do not imagine in such stuff, wherein case there have to be another rationalization for the Leafs seemingly never-ending lack of success. For occasion:
The universe does not let a workforce win the Stanley Cup in the event that they cost $19 {dollars} for a beer.
The universe does not let a workforce win the Stanley Cup in the event that they cost $26 for a big beer.
The workforce lacks the goaltending to go deep into the playoffs and Zeus put a curse on them and so they want a great third-line centre.
The workforce does not need to win as a result of a Stanley Cup parade would make the site visitors in Toronto even worse and who desires that?
The Leafs truly did win it in 2018, however nobody observed as a result of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again was so distractingly humorous and heartwarming.
They cannot win so long as Harold Ballard’s pact with Satan remains to be binding.
Whether you imagine there is a curse or not, the actual fact is that earlier than Ballard arrived, the Leafs received 13 championships, and since Ballard arrived, the workforce has received as many Stanley Cups because the useless squirrel in my chicken feeder.
Short of hiring a workforce exorcist, I do surprise what it’ll take to succeed in the mountaintop. As I settle in to observe them for yet one more doomed season (my youngsters cheer for Calgary and Colorado; they do not need to find yourself drunk and weepy like Papa), it happens to me that we have ignored an apparent, viable street map to profitable all of it: the NHL must give the Leafs the Cup if all the opposite groups have been worn out by an earthquake or a hurricane or locusts. Right?
Chuck Tatham is a podcast and tv comedy author (Full House, Arrested Development, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family), and the manager producer of Offside: The Harold Ballard Story.
